Okay, so, I'm going to sound like a massive jerk this entry. I've accepted that already.  Feel free to go on about what a selfish jerk I am for what I'm about to say.

Phoenix ComiCon is this weekend and I was incredibly excited.  Yes, was.  Now I'm almost regretting registering in the first place because I got saddled with taking my twelve-year old cousin with me.  Granted, it's all my fault this happened in the first place, so I really have no right to complain, but this whole rant has been buzzing around my head for the last half hour and it's not going to stop until I vent it out of my system.

A little over a month ago, I was talking with my mom about the convention and was mopey because, once again, I wouldn't have any friends or anyone to come with me, so I'd be all alone.  Well, my mom talked with one of my aunts about what I said, and she proposed that I bring my cousin, Montasia (Tasia for short) with me since apparently we have a lot in common, it would be her first convention, and she (I guess) sees me as a big sister figure and wants to spend more time with me.  Without consulting me first, my mom said it would be fine if she invited Tasia to come with me.

That was one month ago.  I wasn't informed of this until two days ago, and I only found out because Tasia texted me asking if she was still invited.  I confronted Mom about it and she said she meant to tell me much sooner, but completely forgot about it.  She gave me the option of telling Tasia she was uninvited, but I couldn't do it.  She'd already gotten her hopes up and was looking forward to it, and was even told that I specifically wanted her to come with me.  I was already in too deep tell suddenly tell her "Yea, I changed my mind.  I don't want you to come with me anymore.  Sorry."  Aside from that, we've already arranged for her to spend the night, and she's already coming up with costume ideas and probably told everyone how much fun she's going to have.  I can't abort.  I'm stuck.

I really don't want her to come, and there are so many reasons why.  I guess the first reason would be that I don't know jack about Tasia.  My mom says she's "just like me," but I don't know that for myself.  I can count every interaction I've had with Tasia on one hand.  The most I know about her is that she likes to draw, she likes to write poems, and she's quiet; those are the only things I know we have in common, and even that seems too minimal to go on.  What does she like to draw?  What does she like to write about?  What kinds of jokes and remarks can I say around her that won't fly over her head, or that I won't get in trouble for later?  What shows or comics does she like, if any?  What things does she find entertaining?  I might as well be taking a stranger with me.  I have no idea what I'd do with her other than drag her around with me as I get pictures of cosplayers, watch people play video games, wait in lines for panels and autograph signings, and basically be the most boring person ever.

In addition to knowing nearly nothing about her, I don't want to be a babysitter.  With my friends, I don't need to hold their hands every step of the way for the entire convention.  If we get separated at one point, we can just meet somewhere and everyone will be fine.  They can buy their own stuff if they want something, or get hungry and want something to eat.  I don't have to take them to the bathroom if they have to go.  They're totally self-reliant, and it takes away a lot of potential awkwardness and pressure.  I can't do that with Tasia.  She's only twelve, and PCC is huge.  I can't leave her alone at any point.  If she has to go, I need to go with her, even if it's in the middle of a panel.  If she gets hungry, I'm the one that has to buy her stuff (And I'm dirt poor right now; I'll be lucky if I can buy my own food).  I have to keep her entertained.  I have all this responsibility just dropped right on my shoulders, and I can't deal with it.  It's selfish and stupid and you can tell me as much in the comments, but I just don't want to be a babysitter.

There was going to be mini aces meet up at the convention that I was planning on going to.  Everyone was going to meet at one of the tables in the vender's halls and just have a nice, casual get together.  It would have been my very first one and an awesome chance to meet other asexuals.  Now that I'm going to have Tasia with me, I have to bail on that because it would just be too awkward bringing her with me.  She'd have nothing to do, and I risk her outing me to my aunt if she says anything about it, even if it's by accident.  I'm not out to my extended family, and I'd prefer it remain that way until 'm ready to tell them on my own terms (If that ever happens at all).  

On top of that, I'd have to seriously reconsider what panels I go to because I don't know what kind of stuff is and isn't appropriate for her.  On top of that, I'd have to be back home early since she's a kid, so I'll be missing some of the more interesting late panels.

Lastly, part of why I don't want to take her is out of resentment that my mom told her that I wanted her to come with me and that we'd be able to hang out without ever asking me if I'd want that.  I feel like she didn't consider that, maybe, I'd rather go alone than have to play chaperone the entire weekend.  I've never had to be responsible for someone before.  It kinda sucks going alone, but at least I'm used to that and can handle myself.  The times I did have someone with me, they were friends my own age that could handle themselves.  I feel like I'm taking out my bitterness on her, and it just makes me feel even worse.

Anyways, that's my situation.  I'm a whiny, selfish brat and I shouldn't have been complaining about coming alone in the first place if I was okay with it, and I set myself up for this whole disaster.  All I can do now is try to make sure Tasia has fun, even if that means me having less fun than I would have liked.  Thanks for humoring me and reading about me being a douche.  I just needed to get this out of my system.